Master Self-Help Suggestion and Resource List

I'm a regular on /r/MMFB and /r/offmychest, and find myself giving the same advice to many different people. To avoid early-onset Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, I've decided to create a central and updatable reference to which I can link those in need of some life advice.

If you've been linked to this document, please don't feel that I'm blowing you off or think your problems are unimportant. On the contrary, everybody's problems are important to them (more on this below). It's just that many have the same sorts of problems (this is a comfort to some, annoying to others), and those same sorts of problems usually have the same sorts of solutions.

If you have any questions about what you read here, or need personalized advice (potentially helping me flesh this out even further), message me on Reddit.

I'm going to lay this out in basic steps, each with a TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read) summary. Keep in mind that, depending on the person, some of these steps can take days, weeks, even years. On the other hand, you might already be able to skip a few steps. If so, pat yourself on the back. However, for the sake of completion, I'm starting at the beginning:

Part 1: You Deserve to be Happy

TL;DR: Repeat 'I deserve to be happy' until you mean it.

“Never let anyone endanger your happiness. Never sit back and say ‘well, this person deserves happiness more than me’. Every man and woman born in this desert, including you, deserves happiness.”

“Do you really mean all of that?”

“With all my heart.”

— Law and Tep, The Golden Sands

This is the essential mental step you need to take before you can really start working toward happiness. No one can make any real progress toward that goal if they don't think they deserve to reach it. So I want you to make this your new mantra:

I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

Add whatever disclaimers you like (". . . but never at the expense of others", ". . . within reason", etc.), but repeat it to yourself. Say it out loud. Get it tattooed on your wrist. Carve it into your forehead. Whatever you do, keep it in mind.

I'm going to throw a few things at you and see if any of them stick. Think about each bolded question, and only move on to the next if you can honestly answer 'no'.

Do you value others' success and happiness above your own, to the exclusion of your own basic well-being? What you have to understand is that, in order to help others, you need to be able to help them. Work on your physical fitness so you can help friends move; get a good job so you can afford to donate to charity; become a cheerful and uplifting person in order to cheer on the people around you. You have to light a candle before it can light a room. So if it makes you feel better, think of your self-improvement in terms of how you'll be able to lift others.

Do you see the world as a tomb, a horrible place that you can't hope to improve? Change your 'inputs' (news sources, people you hang out with, etc.). Stop reading so much about serial killers, corporate greed, political corruption, etc. Yes, those things exist, but as with the above, you need to work on yourself before you can fight those things. And part of working on yourself is being able to visualize the world you want (more on this below). If all you hear is 'evil terrible corrupt bad', your brain becomes polluted with it. Get away from pessimistic people and shut off news sources that spell nothing but doom and gloom. Be aware and educated, but don't wallow in it.

Do voices in your head constantly remind you about your shortcomings, mistakes, flaws, and horrible imagined fate? Note that these don't have to be literal voices; that's usually a movie conceit. More often, it's a thought that loops over and over, like a song stuck in your head. "I'm so fat and ugly." "Why did I do that? Why why why why?" "I can never earn forgiveness." "I'm going to die alone."

You've heard that the only way to get a song out of your head is to replace it with another song. In the same way, the only way to stop these abusive thoughts is to consistently and confidently replace them. "I'm getting more and more fit, thanks to my exercise." "Yeah, that was a dumb mistake, but at least I won't make it again." "I have plenty of friends and family who love me." And, most important of all, "I deserve to be happy."

Now, it's essential that you accept that you deserve to be happy. You can't really move on until you do. The other stuff (feeling a little selfish for it, pessimism, looping thoughts) can be fixed later, and will probably go away in time.

Do you deserve to be happy? If so, let's move on.

Part 2: Put Power Over Your Life Back In Your Own Hands

TL;DR: Better to rely on oneself than others.

There are two main sources of happiness:

• Outer - praise, approval, luck, things going your way, random acts of kindness, etc.
• Inner - confidence, optimism, inner strength, introspection, etc.

Let's try an experiment: Name three things that, if you received them right now, would make you happy. Here's mine, from when I was a teenager:

• My parents' unconditional love and approval
• Lots of friends who like me and take my side
• Recognition of my genius as a writer

Now, for comparison, here's my current list:

• Physical fitness
• A deeper spiritual life, especially going to church regularly
• Getting back into writing and having fun at it

Pretty stark contrast, huh? All three of the initial items revolve around other people. While I have some say in them (behaving to please my parents, getting out and making friends, working hard at my writing), all three ultimately rely on other people.

I don't want to come across as a cynical misanthropist. I believe everyone can be a good person when they want to be. But humans are human, prone to unreliability, selfish motives, hang-ups, misunderstandings, etc.

You can come close, but you can never fully understand another human being. However, with introspection, you will always understand yourself. You are the person most interested in your own happiness. If you mess up, you are in the best position to understand why and improve yourself to avoid future failure.

I'm unfit because I'm too lazy to exercise. I'm not as good with God as I used to be because I'm too proud to read, pray, meditate, and spend gas money going to church. And I haven't written anything of my own in months because my priorities have warped worse than a plate of cranberry sauce in a tanning bed. Yes, outside forces affect these decisions, but in the end, I am responsible for my failures and successes.

That might sound terrifying, but I'll tell you why: You rely on the ability to blame others. "I lost my job, thanks to that bitch receptionist." "I'm failing my class; the teacher must be an idiot." "I didn't get a good start at life, because my parents suck." Yes, sometimes people screw you over or circumstances just don't go your way, but it is your decision to mope about it or try again.

Look at the list of three things that you just wrote. How many rely on other people? You don't need to completely revamp your life goals right this second, but keep this list handy.

Do you understand that you are the only person who controls your happiness? If so, let's go to the next item.

Part 3: Become Someone You Can Admire

TL;DR: Bring out your inner badass.

When I was fifteen, I discovered how to have dreams and try to attain them. Everybody hears 'follow your dreams' from Disney movies, but it takes a while to sink in that it's an actual life lesson.

Another thing we're taught as children is 'be yourself'. But at age fifteen, I stumbled into a confusing and upsetting question: Who was I? Who should I be?

Luckily, I had a cool librarian who recommended me some books. The one that helped the most was The Self Matters Companion (cough), a workbook that steers one through figuring out who they are and what they want. I can't recommend it enough, and firmly believe that working through even a few chapters will show results.

The core concept here is to empower yourself and grow into a strong, capable, admirable, confident person. People flock to that. Name a successful person in any field and they probably fit that description.

This leg of the journey can take weeks, if not months or years. With every way you tweak your worldview, you'll have to test it in real-world situations and then return to the drawing board. This isn't an overnight thing. Hell, technically, it never ends.

Do you admire yourself and feel ready to take on the world? If so, let's move on.

Part 4: Assess Yourself and Your Situation

TL;DR: Don't lie to yourself, no matter how comforting, because reality won't go along with the lie. Better to come to grips and get started fixing things.

If someone linked you to this, it's probably because you're unhappy. But why? Many people aren't even sure why they're unhappy. There are several possible reasons for this:

Possible Reason #1: There's something in your life that needs fixing

If, while undertaking the following exercise, you experience deep depression, can't complete the exercise, or want to give up, have a look at Possible Reason #2, below.

Open up a blank document and just start typing about things that make you angry or sad. Nobody's grading or judging you, so write whatever you like. Include big ("All the corporations are corrupt and politicians don't care about anybody!") and little ("I hate it when my girlfriend chews food noisily!"). Don't feel guilty for anything you write down; these things are making you unhappy, whether you (or others) would consider them petty or not.

If you need ideas for items to include on your list, I recommend the Clean Sweep Assessment. Even happy and fulfilled people should give this list an annual once-over; it contains a lot of simple yet oft-overlooked ingredients to a great life.

When you feel like you're all ranted out, take a look at the laundry list you've typed up. With each item, brainstorm how you could possibly fix it. Just an example list:

• abortion exists - not much I can do, maybe campaign to have it outlawed, donate time/money to programs for young mothers
• moving into a new apartment soon - better get all my paperwork in order and get that money that one guy owes me
• one of my cats is sick - assess whether I can afford to take her to the vet
• it's too cold in here - turn off the AC

Once you've got some solutions, arrange the list in order from 'fixable' to 'unfixable'. Start with the most fixable problem and ask yourself, 'am I capable of solving this problem right here, right now?'.

• get up and turn off the AC - yeah, I can do that right this second
• assess taking my cat to the vet - I have a few minutes free to think about the costs/trouble involved
• moving to another apartment - I have to wait until Monday for the next steps
• donate time/money to programs for unwed mothers - I don't have enough resources now, but I'm going to regularly revisit this every few months

If you find that you don't have the resources to fix something, that's a red flag that you need to improve that area of your life. Be sure to write down your thoughts (more on this below).

Possible Reason #2: You're clinically depressed/mentally ill

At the risk of grossly simplifying a complex topic, mental illness is when you are neurologically unable to perform some basic function. If you are so depressed that you can't muster the optimism necessary to follow through these exercises, you may be suffering from a hormonal/nutritional imbalance, require in-depth therapy, or otherwise need help that I can't give. There's great advice out there that can snap most people out of a self-destructive cycle, but sometimes, you need a professional.

Research low-cost mental health services in your area (they tend to crop up near/in universities). If you're a student, all the better; find out if your school offers counseling services.

Do your best to help yourself, but understand that you might need professional help in order to maximize your results.

Possible Reason #3: You're suffering from burnout

Take a look at A List Apart's great article on burnout. In a nutshell, you might have been pushing yourself for so long that you've forgotten how to take care of yourself and make sure you're finding happiness in life. The article lists a few good remedies.

Have you assessed your unhappiness and want to get started tying up the loose ends in your life? If so, let's move on.

Part 5: Find Your Fight Music

TL;DR: Surround yourself with awesome music, imagery, and people that/who inspire you.

Pro wrestlers get a cool song that plays as they come out to the ring. It gets the audience pumped, it no doubt makes the wrestler feel like a badass, and it intimidates anyone in his way.

Fill your ears with music that makes you feel like a badass. You probably already have some in mind. If you need more, here's where I usually check:

• Search AskReddit, Youtube, and Last.fm for 'epic music' and 'badass music'
• Get the soundtracks to Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Gladiator, etc.
  
• Check out IMMEDIATE MUSIC
• You might like Musicovery

On a related note, decorate your space with pictures of and quotes from those you admire. John Wayne? Boudica? Sherlock Holmes? Welcome to your new desktop wallpaper. Make friends who are confident, cheerful, uplifting, and willing to keep you company when things look bleak.

Turn to these things when you feel down. Resist the temptation to wallow in Evanescence and other dark, self-pitying media. Remember GIGO; what goes in is what will come out.

Have you surrounded yourself with inspiring badassery? If so, let's move on.

Part 6: Get Organized

TL;DR: Get your mind and world in order.

Above, I linked to what I consider an essential book on self-assessment. Here, I'm going to link you to an essential one on organization: Getting Things Done (cough). It explains a few basic concepts very well, but I'm going to try to sum it up here:

• Got something on your mind that needs to get fixed? Write it down. Repeat until your mind feels a little clearer.
• Take each item on the list you just wrote and put it into a 'trusted system' (a good to-do list).
• Make your trusted system accessible, and check it regularly. Work on the things in your system.
• Repeat.

That book also has techniques for dealing with your physical space, turning it into one huge workbench filled with tools with which you can hammer your life into exactly what you want.

Do you have all your tools at the ready? If so, let's move on.

Part 7: Avoid Common Pitfalls

TL;DR: STOP THAT.

Before we go much further, I have to list some common mistakes and how to avoid them.

Not thinking of the consequences. Before you undertake anything important, try to think through to how you might end up regretting your decision. A few examples:

• Want to have promiscuous sex? Consider STDs, pregnancy, and potential drama, and either do your best to prevent them, or consider avoiding the mess entirely.
• Someone just insulted you, and you want to get into a fight. Think of how it could escalate; you could end up injured, arrested, and/or losing your job and a few friends. Sometimes, you need to walk away.
• You need a change of scenery, sure, but to where do you want to move? Just to a different apartment/house, or do you want to try a new city/state/country? Find out all you can and be prepared for hang-ups, both during the move and while living there. Consider all you'll be leaving behind, while optimistic about all you'll discover.

Being paralyzed by fear. Fear is the mind-killer. As Bruce Lee said, "Balance your thoughts with action. If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done."

Keeping bad company. If you hang out with drug dealers, self-destructive whiners, and people who openly want to take advantage of you, you're not an edgy risk-taker; you're asking for trouble. If you're going to spend so much time cleaning up yourself, make sure your social group matches your goals. If anyone feels insulted, they're probably secretly jealous that you're moving ahead in life while they're stuck in bad habits. That's sad for them, but don't let your compassion drag you down. There's a lot more info on 'breaking up' with bad friends here.

Ignoring advice. Remember what I said about Disney aphorisms ('be yourself', 'you need friends', 'follow your heart', 'chase your dreams', etc.)? These aren't repeated to us seventeen-thousand times before the age of ten for nothing. Sometimes, the best thing to do is the thing you've been advised to try the entire time. Of course, learning to sort good advice from bad/selfish advice is part of becoming an adult. Just keep in mind that, even if you've heard it a thousand times, it might be right.

Thinking that turning 16/18/21/25/30/etc. automatically makes one a grown-up. While you might be physically, sexually, or even mentally an adult, the truth is that maturation is a lifelong process. If you work at it, you can be a more and more amazing person every single day.

Thinking that being a grown-up will automatically make you independent and happy. If you work on being a strong, capable person, then sure. But moving out on your own and getting to make all your own decisions does not a happy, independent adult make. There is no silver bullet; you must decide to be happy.

Being cynical. Conan O'Brien said it best: "Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere."

Letting things ruin your outlook, or even your day. I tell everyone, "You are the only one who can decide that you'll be happy." A friend who works in retail demanded, "What if a customer screams at me, or I get fired?" Things happen that hurt us, and there's no shame in feeling that hurt, but it is you, and you alone, who decides whether to become paralyzed with guilt and fear, or take each problem in stride, recover your balance, and move on. You can end a day feeling sad but ready to face the next day with your usual strength.

Discounting the value of religion. At least in my own example, going to church as a teenager provided a social network that I desperately needed, and encouraged me to define and push myself. Even if you've firmly decided that you don't want to get involved with religion, never scoff that others feel they need it. It can be a powerful structure for good and has made many happy and able to live their best lives.

Attempting to fill the holes in their lives with counterproductive garbage. Everyone hurts, no matter how strong. Some shop to the point of crippling debt, some self-harm, some drink or smoke to excess, some use hard drugs, some play video games to the exclusion of all else, some demand attention, some engage in promiscuous sex, some gamble, some lash out at others, some join cults, etc. Everybody has their own way of getting by. But now that you're in a mode where you're thinking intelligently about how to spend your life, assess the things that make you feel better and ask yourself if they're doing long-term damage. Will you regret these things in a year? Five years? Twenty years?

Not respecting their bodies. I had a 'woah' moment when I realized that I can never leave this body until I die. I'll have these eyes and hands and teeth and brain cells forever, or until I lose them. But I can never change them or switch them out for nicer ones (barring technological advances). Most of all, I have to drive a car or ride the bus in order to haul this sweaty sack of fluids to work in order to earn a living, when my brain processes at such incredible speeds, I could be a thousand miles away in half a second. The body can be beautiful, but never forget that it is your prison, and you must take care of it. Think carefully before exposing it to drugs, unhealthy food, sex, dangerous sports, etc. You only get one.

Panicking. Think of the people you admire; when push comes to shove, do they run around flailing their arms, or do they coolly go about solving problems and keeping everyone safe? Resolve to exist in a state of impenetrable calm.

Not knowing what the Monkeysphere is. Seriously, read this.

Conclusion

The conclusion isn't for me to define. You will know when you can rest on your laurels. To me, though, you should never stop improving your life and becoming more and more capable, admirable, strong, and other cool adjectives. So keep going.