The Homework Never Ends Even if tomorrow turns pale, I shall get it and show you

It’s Not That She Floats, It’s That She Sings Loud

I never gave half a crap about musicals or The Wizard of Oz until this.

I like the Wicked musical (and want to see it live someday). I identify with Elphaba, the gifted outsider. I love the show-stopper, 'Defying Gravity'. The witch blasts her opponents with triumphant singing, holding some notes so long that I have trouble keeping up. But I still try.

Tried.

I used to sing this song at work when no one was around. It's a corner office, so if I stood in the cornermost room, I assumed no one would hear. iPod in hand, I'd speak/sing Elphaba's lines in the song and really work up a shout when they got loud and long. Sometimes, at the peak of a great moment in the song, I could almost imagine that it sounded good, that people would want to hear it.

One day, I was still in the prelimary part of the song when I noticed someone outside the office door. I went over and unlocked it. In the hallway stood our neighbor, a psychologist. "I have a client in today, so could you hold off?"

I was flabberghasted. He could hear me? "Through the vents," he confirmed. "It sounds nice, but my client was wondering what it was."

I managed to not break down in tears until he was gone and I had retreated into the filing room.

I've never been good at knowing what I'm good at. I need and demand feedback. I can't do something like this just for the enjoyment, because I reap my enjoyment from whether others enjoy it. 'Others' has always consisted of my uninterested family, my sycophantic but equally uninterested mate, and now an office neighbor who may or may not have a client in and may or may not like my singing when he doesn't.

I've tried karaoke, but that joke of a pasttime is never about you singing and others enjoying it; you're merely background noise while they wait for their turn. There's no feedback, no appreciation, not even a 'booooo' if you're terrible. You sing into the noise and no one can tell you from the static. Karaoke is too much like my life in general.

The great dramatic point of 'Defying Gravity' isn't that Elphaba rises on a flying broomstick and escapes the Wizard's men. It's that, after the first two acts of meekness, she tears open her throat and lets out her voice. And it sounds great.

I want that. I want to be in a musical. I want to sing. Acting, I'm not sure about; I've never had the chance to try. But I could sing if only somebody pointed to an X on the floor and said, "While standing here, you are allowed to sing. People might even like it."

But it'll never happen. I'll never be 'allowed'. So I'll never sing again.

That's the story of an artist who is also weak.