Emotional validation and invalidation is a subject with which I’ve been struggling for a long time. As one source put it, “This isn’t taught in schools.” Yet, like the Monkeysphere and Effort Shock, it’s something very basic to happiness.
What is Emotional Invalidation?
Say you’re coming up on an important deadline (an exam, work assignment, or personal goal) and feel unprepared. You start to get worried and stressed-out. You voice these feelings to someone you trust (a parent, friend, boss). Most times, this person will tell you to just get to work and stop wasting time feeling bad.
Say you feel that your life isn’t going in the right direction and you’re depressed as a result. Someone you trust tells you, “Buck up. At least you’re not a starving African villager or rape victim or D-class personnel.”
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a great example. A sufferer feels compelled to perform seemingly meaningless, ritual actions again and again. Observers point out, “You don’t need to touch all the doorknobs on the way down the hall. Those papers don’t need to be perfectly jogged and lined up. The food on your plate doesn’t need to be separated.”
Yes, the logical answer is to immediately set to work on your project so that you don’t have to worry about the deadline. Yes, logically thinking, you have a better lot in life than those mentioned above. And yes, most of the actions OCD forces one to perform are time-wasting and should be ceased.
And if people were robots, the story would end there.
The Process and the Answer
But, with the exception of sociopaths, we humans are feeling creatures who use our emotions to understand our world. Carl Sagan once said, “. . . the brain does much more than just recollect; it inter-compares, synthesizes, analyzes, and generates abstractions.” A lot of this process involves emotions; there’s no shame in that.
But say for a moment that you are a computer. You run a program to solve a simple math problem, and then you pose two questions to your human user:
- Is this answer correct?
- Does it make sense that my programming arrived at this answer, regardless of whether it is correct?
Say for the sake of argument that the computer’s programming was imperfect; it didn’t carry the two or divide in the right order. The output answer, therefore, is incorrect. The human’s answers to the above questions would then be:
- No, the answer is incorrect.
- Yes, it makes sense that you arrived at this answer.
Humans, again, aren’t machines. When our brain “synthesizes [and] analyzes” and outputs an emotional answer, but we are then told that the way we are feeling is invalid, we hear the following:
- No, the answer is not correct. Logic states that you should feel X instead.
- Your process is also invalid. You are insane.
There are few things worse than not being able to trust your own judgment. You constantly second-guess yourself, hating your every emotion, beating yourself for having the gall to feel bad when there are logical solutions and people much worse off than you.
Your answer might even be wrong, logically speaking. You might have a great lot in life but be taking it for granted. You might be ignoring optimistic data or easy solutions. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that you arrived at these emotions through your own mental process, and to invalidate the process (never mind the answer) is to pull the rug out from under you.
What is the proper response to the ‘human computer’ when asked the above two questions?
- (Depending) Yes, you are justified in feeling this way OR No, your circumstances shouldn’t be causing these emotions.
- It makes sense, even only to your own subconscious or brain chemistry, that you arrived at these feelings.
What is Emotional Validation?
Answer: The skill we all need to learn immediately.
The great EQI page I linked at the very beginning contains a list of the steps to take when validating someone’s emotions. I’ve paraphrased them below and added explainations:
- Don’t run away from their feelings. If someone is feeling depressed, don’t tell them, “You shouldn’t feel that way; you have a great life.” At best, this shows them that you’re unwilling or unable to help them with their problem. At worst, they’ll take this advice to heart and instead doubt their own emotions, ultimately deepening their depression. The same goes for anger, hurt, worry, and many other emotions.As hard as it is to see a loved one unhappy, you can’t wave a magic wand or give some sage advice and instantly heal their boo-boos. Instead, face the fact (and encourage this person to face the fact) that they feel this way. Develop a mental attitude that doesn’t try to debate with them or prove them wrong, but is accepting of how they feel.
- Identify their feelings. Reiterate, “You sound (angry/depressed/etc.).” This reassures them that they’ve communicated their feelings and boosts their confidence. If you happen to have gotten it wrong, say something like, “I’m sorry, I must have misheard. Could you tell me some more about how you feel?” Then, when you have more data, try for a second diagnosis.
- Offer to listen. “I’d like to hear more about this situation and how it makes you feel.” Quickly get into a mindset where you’re not thinking up responses unless explicitly asked for your opinion or advice. If it helps, try to only ask questions and never make statements. Be patient; don’t try to jump ahead or supply the answers in order to end the conversation more quickly. Let the person take as long as they need to arrive at their conclusion.
- Help them label these feelings. If you’re speaking to someone who isn’t very good at identifying or expressing how they feel, try to gently nudge them toward a label for it. If they say they have no energy anymore and feel ‘sad, but deeper’, ask them, “Do you think you might be depressed?” If they express dread over a coming visit from their mother, ask them, “Are you afraid of her or angry with her?” Keep the conversation going so that they can express themselves more and more.
- Be there for them. Don’t try to multitask and don’t allow distractions. Take a break from whatever you were doing before; mute the television. Stay as physically close to them as you’re both comfortable, whether that’s sitting across the table, sitting next to them and holding their hand, or even holding them while lying in bed. Use body language to indicate that this conversation has your full attention; make appropriate eye contact, nod and encourage them to continue, and so on. If it helps, act as if the person is telling you an adventure story from their own experience.
At some point in the conversation, you’ll notice that the person is drawing conclusions of their own, i.e. “I really don’t want Mom to come over. I’ve been dreading it all week. She always complains about how messy my home is. She makes me feel inadequate. Maybe I need to talk to her and try to make her understand that cleanliness just isn’t as important to me as it is to her. Maybe I could show her all the things I’ve been working on instead of doing housework.”
As an outside observer, it’s easy and tempting to offer such solutions immediately. However, as with teaching a child problem-solving, letting the person sort through their feelings and come to a conclusion themselves is the best way for them to learn.
Why do they need someone to listen in on this mental process? The way I see it, when we’re learning how to do something, we look to a trusted person for approval so that we know we’re ‘doing it right’. When a person is emotionally compromised and lacks self-confidence, they need someone nurturing and accepting who can help them gain confidence in their own abilities. After a while, this person will be able to examine their own feelings without a bouncing board. This process can take years or even a lifetime; you will need to be patient.
About Fiona Canteberry
A novelist from northwest Arkansas, Fiona's range of topics include writing, tropes, and self-improvement. She goes by 'FekketCantenel' online.
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This is a valuable article on how to become more emotionally validating. I’ve seen how invalidation can destroy a relationship…and it is such a waste. If only more people were willing to look at how they can become better listeners and therefore, better partners.